Friday, May 30, 2008

 

Jesus Talks With Pat Robertson About Gay Marriage

"Gay Marriage? Haven't They Been Punished Enough?"

Jesus sat listening to a group of dusty travelers at a dusty camel stop along a dusty Interstate near dusty Anywhere, Texas. The travelers were bemoaning the sad state of American-style marriage, especially in blood-red areas of red states like Texas. One dusty sage noted, “About half the red marriages in Texas are total failures—divorces, I mean—and 62% of the rest are close to cardiac arrest.”

“Yup,” interjected Jesus, “you wouldn’t buy a camel with that track record.”

Seeking to bait and trap the long-haired hippie liberal, the Pharisee Phat Robertson—who had just stepped out of his air-conditioned “Leave-No-Chauffeured-Preacher-Behind” limo and was both cranky and cranked up—asked Jesus: “Why should those perverted, disgusting queers—the evil doers who have caused every abomination, every hurricane, every fornication and plague afflicting God’s people, the South’s defeat in the Civil War and the freeing of our slaves, the collapse of Christian … well, all things evil—why should those friggin’ fornicating fornicators have the right to marry and thus pervert that most holy institution of …”

Interrupting the sputtering well-lathered Phat, Jesus replied: “And so, Pharisee Phat, you are trying to ask, ‘Should American gays and lesbians have the right to marry?’ My Father in Heaven recently told me, ‘Of course not, Son! Haven’t they been punished enough?’”

A “Hah, Hah, Hah” hallelujah chorus rang out from the crowd, except that no laughter came from the gurgling gullet of Pharisee Phat. Sadly, Phat’s unique double-stranded helix of DNA—one strand for Bigotry and one for Buffoonery—permitted him joyful laughter only when the least, the last, and the lost were being screwed, barbequed and tattooed by the Religious Right.

“But kidding aside,” continued Jesus, “I say that even a blind woman can see that it is heterosexuals, especially the males—Dad sometimes calls them the ‘Dumb-Stick Afflicted’—who most violate and profane marriage. Therefore I say onto you that it is the heterosexuals who should forfeit their right to marry, and thus, henceforth, only gays and lesbians should have that sacred right.”

“Yes, a gay marriage is better than an unhappy marriage,” Jesus noted.

“You see,” continued Jesus, “marriage is like a camel. A camel looks a little different from each perspective … it just depends on where you’re standing. Unfortunately, bigoted rightwing male Texan politicians don’t know squat about raising healthy camels.”

Jesus then reinforced the lesson with several parables—all grounded in love, tolerance, faith, liberty and personal responsibility—including the observation that a Christian is obligated to worry first about the log in his own camel’s eye and not the speck in his neighbor’s camel’s eye.

Well, Jesus was talking pretty fast at this point, and although your faithful scribe may have missed something, you get the general idea. Jesus did add something here about Christians not having the right to judge or screw up their neighbor’s camel, particularly when they’re busy mis-screwing their own. Like I said, Jesus was talking pretty fast. Anyway, reinforcing his lesson with a nice simile, Jesus said, “A loveless marriage is like Bush’s horseless ranchette in Texas—a sham and a shame. In the Middle East, we Arabs and Jews say it is like a wannabe leader who is all saddle and no camel.”

With sad disappointed eyes, Jesus then looked straight into Pharisee Phat’s heart—or, more accurately, into that part of Phat’s fat corpus where a heart is usually found—and spoke thus: “It is more difficult to find a multi-millionaire Religious Right preacher who has not violated his marriage vows—one who lives the purity tests that he wishes to impose on all others, especially women—than it is to find a flying camel that speaks fluent French.”

This last observation by Jesus for some reason—perhaps it was the French part—really got Phat’s camel—or rather, his goat—turning Phat permanently into a Category 5 hurricane of foaming fury and ballistic bigotry, although many longtime Phat observers later remarked they could hardly tell the difference.

The foregoing account of Jesus talking with televangelist Pat Robertson—the only such independent verifiable account of the two ever actually conversing—can be found in a humorous sidebar (pp. 227-8) in Jim Swanson's deadly serious book, "The Bush League of Nations," which you can review, and purchase in unlimited quantities, by clicking on the Amazon button to the left.

 

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